Letters From Prison 1: Honeybun Mythbusting and Prison Wine

Every once in a while Alli and I get letters. Not emails, not texts. ACTUAL letters. Sometimes they are thank you notes, sometimes they are press releases….this is not one of those letters.

This letter was spawned by an on-airĀ conversation we had about how HONEYBUNS were causing riots, murders, and more inside prisons throughout America. We also read a story that said some inmates had been using these delicious baked treats to sweeten prison wine. Thanks to this letter we now know we couldn’t have been more wrong.

ON INMATES ASKING RELATIVES FOR HONEYBUNS:

“Inmates do not ask for honeybuns. Or any other buns for that matter (OK, maybe his neighbors) but the point is…an inmate can only ask for money (only in regards to commisary). We can not have food or drink sent in from the outside. Period. Second, with few exceptions no inmate is going to ask his Mom…Dad…Wife…Brother…Sister…or any other family member to send him some money so he can spend it on ZooZoo’s and WhamWhams…i.e. sodas, soups, cookies, “honeybuns” etc…They are going to say they “need” money for necessities such as toothpaste..deoderant…soap…writing supplies…really…Think about it…Would you send your hard earned money to your dumba** brother so he can brush his grill or get fat on honeybuns?”

ON USING HONEYBUNS TO SWEETEN WINE:

“I know you were reading what was written but you do not “SWEETEN” homemade wine…you can…and we do…flavor it…But you don’t “SWEETEN” it because sugar is what’s needed to make the alcohol in the “wine”. I’m sure you know this but a lot of people don’t…Alcohol is made by yeast which is a fungus…the yeast eats the sugar and produces..i.e. poops…alcohol…not a joke…that’s why I smile everytime i read or hear something about wine tasters enjoying the bouquet of a wine…bug poop baby…you gotta love it.”

He goes on to bless us with his OWN PERSONAL RECIPE for prison wine…which I’m posting here:

1. Take one 18 oz empty peanut butter jar. Add 3 Teaspoons of sugar. Fill jar 1/2 way with cheap dried raisens. Fill rest of the jar with water. Put lid on jar loose so it can breath. Overtightening lid will cause jar to burst. Set jar somewhere warm and out of the way.

2.Wait 3-4 days.

3.Take a 1 Gallon Jug. Add 12 oz cup of sugar. Fill jug half way with canned 100% OJ (real juice, not Tang). Pour water from raisens into jug. Add the raisens too if you want it to cook faster. Fill the rest of the jug with more OJ. Place cap on loose. Place towel or paper nearby to catch extra moisture.

4. Stash it. Don’t leave your cell for 3-4 days (unless you are in central population…then it’s up to fate)

According to our source:

“If did right…3 to 4 days..cooking will have slowed…time to dish up…but note…as long as it’s boiling it’s producing alcohol…and it will continue as long as there is sugar in the mix…but you can’t wait too long or it turns…we’re talking 10-15% by volume”

5. Pop cap, strain out raisens, add flavor to taste (author prefers peach or watermelon cool-offs). Put on some music. Happy New Year Baby!

Gotta run and stock up for the first annual Candy 95 staff Prison Wine Party!!!