I wish I was making this up.
Here’s quite possibly the most upsetting new service I’ve heard about in a long time: a company offers to search your wife or girlfriend’s panties for semen, then DNA-test it to see if she’s cheating on you. Oh, and you can also use this service on your daughter.. Because obviously, stealing her underwear and having it anyalyzed is definitely a better option than just talking to her about sex.
Infidelity DNA Testing’s incredibly creepy press release asks, “How many times have victims had the horrible feeling that their husband, wife or partner was cheating on them but were afraid to confront their partners without 100% non-disputable proof?” If the Clinton administration taught us anything, it’s that all infidelity scenarios are made much better through semen analysis..
Apparently all it takes for satistfaction (if that’s what you want to call it) is a pair of soiled underwear, explains one Kip Charles, who appears to be in charge of Infidelity DNA Testing.
“The process is simple. Just provide us an article of clothing preferably underwear or panties and we will do the rest. We can identify if semen is present, make sure it’s viable for dna extraction and then do a final comparison to make sure the DNA belongs to the correct person.”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say this man was not loved enough as a child.
He adds, “There is just no legitimate reason or lie that a wife can come up with for having another man’s semen in her panties.” Well, that’s true.. but why stop with wives? Users can submit men’s underwear too, to be tested for semen or for incriminating juices.
Read the entire press release here.
The scariest part of this whole scheme is Infidelity DNA Testing’s suggestion that you use its semen detection service to find out if “your daughter is having sex.”
The test “costs a little less than $200 to get started,” and “the value you get from infidelity DNA testing outweighs the initial investment.” Unless you get divorced or ship your slutty teen to an all girls boarding school.. then it will cost you a @*!& ton.
If you’re as confused as I am, let’s get this straight.. in order for this to work.. the person has to have unprotected sex.. then leave the incriminating evidence (soiled undies) just laying around for you to find. Which, if he/she is making it THIS obvious, why fork over $200? Chances are there are other signs out there that indicate cheating, and if you are seriously considering stealing underwear from someone to have tested for another man’s semen, I’d say, in the understatement of the year, you’re relationship is in trouble.
What does Infedility DNA testing really offer you? Advice. If you are seriously considering working with them, you should break up.. for free.
And, if you are cheating, maybe you should start watching your panty drawer..
Would you EVER consider this? Let me know!
Happy semen hunting.