How to Not Get Abducted Over Spring Break

You’ve got your plane ticket ready, your hotel booked, your bags packed, and your semi adult mind already considering all the things you might be ashamed of at the end of next week.

But you know what could ruin all this mindless partying and fun? A hostile “Taken” situation that leaves you wishing your dad was an ex CIA operative and not an electrician or furniture salesman. Because really, nothing puts a damper on Spring Break faster than the possibility of being abducted.

So on that note, here’s a chain email I was sent last night that actually contains some valuable information, which I will then mar by my own suggestions at the end of this blog.

1.) Tip from Tae Kwon Do:

The elbow is the strongest point on your body.

If you are close enough to use it, do!

2.) If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. I repeat DO NOT HAND IT OVER TO HIM.

Instead, toss it away from you. Chances are he’s more interested in your wallet/fake Prada than you and your fake tan and he’ll go for the bag.

It doesn’t take Liam Neeson to tell you when this happens, run like a mad man in the other direction.

3.) If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights, stick your arm out the hole, and start waving like crazy.

The driver won’t see you, but everybody else will.

This has saved lives.

4.) Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (making lists, reapplying make-up, TEXTING, well STOP)

A predator could be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go.


If someone is in the car with a gun to your head, DO NOT DRIVE OFF.

Instead gun the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car. Your Air Bag will save you.

If the person is in the back seat, they will get the worst of it .

As soon as the car crashes bail out and run.

It is better to have to come find and fix your car rather than someone come find your body in a remote location.

5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot or parking garage:

A.) Be aware:
look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat
B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door.
Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.
C.) Look at the car parked on the driver’s side of your vehicle, and the passenger side.. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out.

IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)

6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot. This is especially true at NIGHT!)

7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control,


The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times (I like those odds) And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ.

RUN, Preferably in a zig -zag pattern!

8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic:


It may get you raped, or killed.

Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked “for help” into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.

9.) The exact opposite of everything these girls do at a foreign airport. (Unless of course your dad is Scottish, then it’s okay so long as you don’t mind losing a friend along the way).

If all else fails, try this:

If you’re in Mexico, try it George Noory style:

..or you can always just sit at home and donate money to Uganda. That seems slightly less dangerous.

happy spring break! (#^@%!$@S)