Office Hunger Games
Happy Hunger Games! May the odds be ever in your favor!
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Each tribute was given 30 minutes to fashion weaponry from things we had around the office to be used in a massive fight to the death in the woods behind the Crystal Park Plaza.
Meet the Players:
Size. At 6’4” he’s the tallest and possesses the longest wingspan allowing him to strike from farther away in hand to hand combat.
Speed. By far the fastest over long terrain of the staff allowing him to escape potential deadly encounters where he is outmatched.
Strength. He works out. A lot. If you’re going to kill, you have to be strong. Consider Rambo.
Strategy. Frito has spent many hours considering how he would survive in a zombie apocalypse. He will use that knowledge in the Office Hunger Games to defeat his co-workers as he would zombies who would aim to eat his brain.
Crazy eyes. Would you bet against anyone with that glare?
Frito is a known germaphobe. There is no hand sanitizer in the woods.
Frito loves to nap. Sleeping leaves you vulnerable to attacks.
Frito has no known skill in hand to hand combat and has admittedly never even been in a fight.
Screwdriver / Electrical Tape Claw Glove: Fashioned after the natural weapons of his favorite animal (the cat), this is a defensive weapon. Anyone who gets within arms reach gets the business end of a bunch of screwdrivers attached to Frito’s left hand.
Homemade Shank. Three pair of scissors taped together for strength and fastened to a microphone stand as a handle. Good for fighting, hunting, and carving taunting messages into trees.
A heart two sizes too small.
Possibility of dropping dead from natural causes.
Prefers to eat what he kills…
Big Spear: A common kitchen knife attached to a microphone stand. That’s all I need
Crafty. Katy has a quick mind and rarely acts impulsively. Every risk taken is a calculated part of some master plan.
Deceitful. Katy can be very manipulative when it comes to getting what she wants. She has the gift of making people believe what she wants them to, which could prove useful on a battlefield. Trojan Horse anyone?
Quick. While Katy may not be able to outrun the other players in longer distances, she is quick on her toes and has impeccable reflexes. Something any fighter would need at close range combat.
Ginger-y. It remains to be seen whether or not the other participants have the stomach to kill a co-worker. As a ruthless ginger with a black heart and no soul, this is the sort of activity we monstrosities were bred for.
Pale. Katy practically glows in the dark.
Directionally Challenged. Katy has absolutely no sense of direction and should there be some sort of trail to follow, she’s doomed. She could win the Hunger Games, yet die trying to get out of the woods without your help.
Homemade Drywall Knife Launcher. I am at a clear size disadvantage in these games, so this weapon is perfect for long range shots, yet easy to grip if forced to go head to head. The perfect execution (no pun intended) would be from a tree branch to shoot down into people’s skulls. That way it’s both a guaranteed kill, and a guarantee I’ll get my knives back. That’s important.
PVC Pipe Blow Gun with Thumbtacks. If you’ve ever seen Jungle to Jungle with Tim Allen, you know how effective these tiny dart guns can be. AND if I could find some poisonous animal in the woods from which I could extract venom to dip the thumbtacks in, advantage Katy.
Copper wire/rope. The hunger games are just as much about surviving as they are about bludgeoning each other to death. There would come a point where this wire could help me catch small game/set up traps, and have you ever seen Boondock Saints? “Tell me one thing you’re gonna need the @*!&(@* rope fer..”
Survival. Adam grew up hunting and fishing in the middle of podunk nowhere. He’s a skilled marksman and has experience in the woods. Katy thinks he was raised by wolves.
Devious. Don’t let that face fool you.
Paper Cutter Blade Machete: Withough a crescent wrench to remove it, I just braced the wooden base under the coke machine to break the blade off. The razor sharp edge acts like a machete for hacking limbs, and the blunt side could break bones and bash in the heads of the enemy. Plus it already has a hilt-like handle with a finger guard.
Adam’s Office Morning Star: Tube sock with a desk paper weight in it. I’d use this swinging melee weapon like a medieval knight or man-at-arms. It can knock the other guy out, break bones, bust in faces, and it extends my reach, keeping enemies at bay.
Adam’s Office Spear: To make my version of one of the first weapons ever developed by man, I got a floor light fixture that I unscrewed the base from and affixed sharpened pencils, pens, and letter openers to the end. The spear shaft can be used like a bo staff to bash, or urse the pointed end to stab at closer ranges. If you add a little extra weight to the sharpened end, you also have a lethal and accurate ranged attack when you throw it. Don’t forget that the spear was the main weapon of the ancient Greek and Roman armies that ruled most of the western world at the time.
Flexible. I could quite easily kick a very tall human, firmly in the mouth with my long and agile legs.
Strength. I weild a 35 pound toddler on a daily basis. Because of this, I can pack a punch, while assertively shouting: “NOW THAT’S ENOUGH OUT OF YOU!” My punch and stern command combo will render any opponent speechless-slash-bruised in the face.
Mama’s Girl. I know how to tap into untold reserves of rage, due to never getting enough sleep. This rage means I’d have no problem doing someone in.
Bi-lingual. While my enemy thinks I’m making small talk, really I’ll be employing some Australian colloquialism that means: “You are about to get served. In the bum.”
?: I can choose nail polishes, that are pleasing to the eye. While I’ve distracted my enemy with the high gloss and sheen of their own nails, I’ll be sneaking up behind them to finish them off.
Headphone BOMB: My office made weapon of choice would be my Beats by Dre studio headphones. I’d plant a bomb within them, made of office soap and cleaning supplies and challenge my enemy to disarm the bomb by figuring out where the batteries go. There’s no way a human of even superior intelligence, will be able to figure this out before they’re toast.
Book smarts. Seriously. If it were the Hunger Mind Games, no contest.
Power. P$ is very strong in short bursts, like picking up a person and tossing them off a building.
Ingenuity. If P$ survives long enough, he could easily take weapons from other victims and create weapons more sinister and deadly than they were before.
Endurance. Computer work for the past 5 years has made him considerably soft.
Lacks killer instinct. He can’t handle suffering, so if it’s not quick and painless P$ might not be able stab and jab while his victim is screaming.
Heavy sleeper. He doesn’t need much sleep, but when he’s asleep it’s lights out.
Office Napalm – Hand sanitizer is in every studio and is very flammable when spread out on your body. Take the lid off and you can douse anyone from about 10 feet.
Powdered Creamer – It feels as bad thrown in your eyes as it tastes in your coffee.
Compact Death Discs – Polycarbonate digital storage media (CDs) can shatter when folded but can be very sharp. Cut some saw teeth in them and they are very good for a close quarters mauling
Emotional. It’s known when you convey emotion, you will receive a response. In this case it’s a fake out. Make your opponent believe what is not true. Cry, lie, over empathize your love for puppies! whatever it takes to get them in the realm of possibility, then ATTACK.
Lips: growing up, he was teased about the size of his lips. Now somewhat of an adult he knows how to use them. On the battlefield this will provide assistance by making inappropriate mouth gestures to throw off the other players.
Madness: Jeremy can snap at a moments notice when pushed to the limit. Just ask his mother who woke him for an afternoon slumber. His Anger gets ugly. Once in crazy mode, there’s no turning back.
Couch Time. Like Frito, Jeremy loves to nap. If found sleeping on a pile of leaves or trash that has been washed up in the Crystal Park Plaza Creek his vulnerability could be the death of him.
Caffeine. Jeremy has at least 4 cups of coffee per day. Yes, the coffee bean is a natural product of the earth but it can crash the body and mind if the amount of intake is too great a number.
Fire Launcher: Hairspray plus lighter = instant pain.
Death by Weird Al: Exactly as it sounds. Nothing is more painful that hearing Weird Al blasting from speakers.. and if this doesn’t kill my opponent, it will undoubtedly leave him a crippled and easy target.
Coffee Pot Glass: Broken up pieces used to throw at a distance.. or an entire pot for close combat blunt force.
Now, YOU decide!