JUSTIN BIEBER: PEEN IMPLANT CREDIT CARD STEALING BABY MAKER!

TMZ says that a man from Michigan, who says he’s Selena Gomez’s biological father, is suing Justin Bieber for all kinds of debauchery including sexing up “his daughter” on his Canadian bear rug and stealing his AMEX to buy a bigger $%^&.

If you didn’t think it could get any better, YOU’RE WRONG! TMZ read the entire masterpiece of a lawsuit and pulled out these gems:

-“Bieber has cost me $426.78 and never paid me back. This money was used as abortion money because Justin Bieber got my daughter Selena pregnant in my bedroom, on my canadian bear rug.”

– “Usher Raymond came to my house on the forth of july 2012 and sodomized me with a firework and lit it inside my anal area while blaring kate perry [sic] firework song in my ear drums.”

– “[Bieber] gave selena a std and Bieber stole my credit card to buy him and sean p-ditty [sic] combs cocaine to use in drug free school zones.”

– “Bieber also got a penis enlargement with my stolen american express card. ”

USA! USA! USA!