Katy Dempsey
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Justin Bieber’s Message to My Dad
Friday, December 9th, 2011
Justin Bieber loves me.
Here’s a perfectly timed shot of his face proving that.
And check out his message to my (or any other girl with photoshop’s) dad.
He says, “Hey Dad, it’s Justin, your daughter wanted us to chat. I feel like we got off on the wrong foot, I mean I get it, I’m a huge mega star, I got a full head of hair…
But it could be a lot worse. Think about it. Guys her age… Well, remember when you were her age? Yeah, exactly… I’m a great distraction. She won’t even think about him and someday you might even thank me.
So next time you hear her scream my name, relax. It’s better than hearing her scream ‘Joey’ who lives next door. Am I right?”
Pretty funny Biebs. Pretty funny.
Watch it here or make your own.
Happy cropping!
-Katy
SIDENOTE: my dad would be worried about ME corrupting HIM..
Holidates
Friday, December 9th, 2011
Hands down one of THE BEST ways to waste time online is looking at Craigslist missed connections. Seriously. Pick a city and then read in delight as people regale you with tales of “almost love” with strangers. It’s both hilarious and deeply disturbing, and this just takes it all to a whole new level.
Who needs a real boyfriend for the holidays anyway?!
Two San Francisco locals have taken to Craigslist to advertise for temporary boyfriends and girlfriends over the holidays.. in other words they are looking for “holidates–” and contracted ones at that.
One ad, created by two unnamed women on November 29 read: ‘Let’s cut to the chase: Holidays are the worst time to be single and some of us are just over it. We’re two single girls looking for a pair of seasonal boyfriends for Christmas and New Years and only for Christmas and New Years.’
Because apparently Craigslist doesn’t believe in helping people searching for fake love, their ad has since been flagged and taken down – and a second one suffered a similar fate at the hands of these cold hearted moderators.
Taking their search for an ideal ‘bromeo’ to Tumblr instead, the ‘womancing’ duo have now set up a ‘Two Girls, One Season’ page where they are documenting their journey.
There, the ad goes on: ‘We need two guys (preferably two in a bromance to match our womance) to stick around for the holidays. Our love will be fake, but epic. We want to make everyone jealous.’
The women describe themselves as ‘really hot chicks’ and ‘workaholics’ who are too busy for full-time boyfriends, which should scare any man far, far away. But I have to hand it to them, they are funny.. the ad goes on to say their holiday romances will ‘be like the spitting image of the last 30 minutes of Love Actually.’
They are ‘looking for men to attend all of the following: Our Office’s Holiday Party (open bar, holler!), Ugly Sweater Party in San Jose, Holiday Party in San Francisco, a holiday card photoshoot, and New Years Eve (guaranteed makeout sesh).’
And, men, aged between 24 and 32, you have to be willing to share your time with your temporary sweethearts: ‘Your schedule should also be flexible —I mean come on, you gotta make time for your new girlfriends!’
‘What we don’t want: Crazy alcoholics, men with mommy or daddy issues, men who are looking to cheat on their current girlfriends, men who are just in it for sex, and creepers.’
‘Let’s be honest, this is Craigslist,’ they write, making a reference to the creepers known to grace internet forums.
They encourage suitable potential candidates to email details and photos to a Gmail address.
Contract termination is a straightforward process: ‘Then we dump you,’ they write. ‘The day after New Years.’
But it’s not just women who are taking an unorthodox approach to the search for their ideal holidates.
Another post, credited with giving the two women the idea originally, reads: ‘WANTED: Holiday Girlfriend – 28 (Mission District).
‘Let me be clear. I want a girlfriend. But I don’t really want a girlfriend. I just want one for the holidays.’
I smell a Lifetime Movie in the making!
What do you think about this? Would you contract a holidate to get your nosey relatives off your single back?
-Katy
How to Fix a Broken Zipper
Thursday, December 8th, 2011
Have you ever contemplated throwing away a perfectly good pair, maybe even your favorite pair of jeans because the zipper keeps falling down?
I have your solution, and it is so simple I can not believe I never thought of it. You’re welcome.
Just attach the split key ring to the top of your zipper.
Zip up the pants and loop key ring around button.
Now button your pants and be free from embarrassing XYZ comments all day long.
AND fun fact: the circle on your keys is called a split key ring.. in case you ever need to post something about it.
-Katy
What to Get Someone You Don’t Like for Christmas
Wednesday, December 7th, 2011
A listener messaged me yesterday with quite the predicament– she needs to buy a Christmas present for someone she doesn’t especially enjoy being around.
Now, you might be thinking, why on Earth would you even buy a Christmas gift for a person you don’t care for? That was my initial thought too, but apparently this sort of thing is very common. You could have a picky mother in law who you are forced into buying presents for, yet no matter how hard you try, nothing is ever good enough or it could be something as simple as an office secret Santa and you got paired with the creepy walking sexual harassment case. (Doesn’t every office have one of those guys?)
I offered up the suggestions that came to the top of my head.
1.) A self help book
Not that I’m knocking people who read self help books (I own both copies of “He’s Just Not That Into You”), but it’s quite a funny present idea. You’re suggesting that the person has problems that need to be addressed and there are a variety of great titles you can choose from like:
Hey Ugly! – Learning to love yourself for who you are on the inside, Nobody Likes Me…And That’s Probably O.K., Prettier Woman – how to turn away and move on from your whorish past. Okay so maybe those aren’t legitimate titles, but this one is:
It makes a funny showing AND is probably a pretty good read. That guy looks like he means business.
And if you’ve ever ventured over to the Barnes and Noble self help section, I’m sure you will find a dozen hidden gems that no one would feel comfortable buying for himself. Remember if you’re buying a present for someone you don’t like, the ultimate goal is to make her either extremely uncomfortable or p.o.ed. Maybe that way you’ll get out of having to get her a gift next year!
2.) Something ridiculious you saw on an infommercial
Nothing says I don’t care like buying something you could have ordered off the TV at CVS or Walgreens or any of the other stores who seem to always stock the products you are supposed to only be able to find “through this special tv offer.” I’d say your best bets would be “Mighty Putty,” some kind of snuggie knock off, or anything marketed by this guy..
I’ll post the additions to the list as they come in from listeners. Happy shopping!
UPDATED: Listener suggestions–
While I got a ton of really great suggestions from the audience today, some were inappropriate or just downright dirty and wrong. Even though I can’t type them all, yall had me laughing my @#$ off in the studio today.
Here’s a list of the best legitimate gifts.
1.) fruitcake (Larry the Cable Guy style)
2.) socks
3.) giftcard (shows you don’t care/didn’t put much thought into it)
4.) something cheap from the dollar store (preferably with the price tag left on)
5.) soap/skincare products
6.) donation to a charity in his/her name (think “The Human Fund”)
#6 is brilliant. If that is your Christmas present from me, I’m sorry in advance– I don’t like you.
-Katy
HO-NO: Listen to Johnny Depp’s Controversial Christmas Song
Tuesday, December 6th, 2011
Johnny Depp never ceases to amaze me. He’s recently decided to lend his voice for the offensive lyrics that comprise a controversial new Christmas song by the British band Babybird.
In a move he most certainly had to see coming, conservative groups Christian Coalition and Focus on the Family have lashed out at the actor at this blasphemous slap in the face to both religion and the holidays.
From what I can understand of the gibberish, the song tells the story of a group of teenagers who hire a Jesus look-alike to organize a stag night- which we could call a bachelor party down here. Over the course of the drunken night, the son of God ends up passed out and possibly dead, and it’s revealed that he’s not just a copycat, but the real Jesus.
Obviously some groups would have a problem with this.
And, because the entire time he sort of channels his drunken Jack Sparrow voice I have decided it’s easier to read some of the offending garbage.
Such lyrical gems include: “Saw a man in a bar with his hair like a lady/ Bloody thorns round his ear like he was a crazy/ He had holes in his hands and a cross for a spine/ Crushed a berry in his Perrier and called it wine.”
It continues with: “I can’t remember where I was last night/ Think I was hanging naked off a church spire/ Tied by my ankles to a weather vane/ Felt like I was Jesus on fire/ Cuffed to the bumper of a big truck/ I begged my dad to take me to a strip bar/ Drank kerosene through my eyeballs/ Drove myself home in a stolen car.”
And my personal favorite: “Saw a man lying on the floor beaten up/ He had a fish finger sandwich and a yellow M coffee cup/ I bent down drunk and tried to pick him up/ But when I turned around I could see it was Jesus.”
What is so stupid about this whole thing is that obviously this was created with the intent of making people mad. For Johnny Depp or the Babybird’s to say that’s not the case is just ridiculious. The whole song is essentially about killing Jesus- which no matter how you view religion is not a harmless message.
Listen to “Jesus Stag Night Club” here and let me know what you think..
Are people too easily offended this time of year? Or is the cause for the outrage totally justified?
-Katy