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New and Creepy Service Tests Panties for “Leftovers”

I wish I was making this up.

Here’s quite possibly the most upsetting new service I’ve heard about in a long time: a company offers to search your wife or girlfriend’s panties for semen, then DNA-test it to see if she’s cheating on you. Oh, and you can also use this service on your daughter.. Because obviously, stealing her underwear and having it anyalyzed is definitely a better option than just talking to her about sex.

Infidelity DNA Testing’s incredibly creepy press release asks, “How many times have victims had the horrible feeling that their husband, wife or partner was cheating on them but were afraid to confront their partners without 100% non-disputable proof?” If the Clinton administration taught us anything, it’s that all infidelity scenarios are made much better through semen analysis..

Apparently all it takes for satistfaction (if that’s what you want to call it) is a pair of soiled underwear, explains one Kip Charles, who appears to be in charge of Infidelity DNA Testing.

“The process is simple. Just provide us an article of clothing preferably underwear or panties and we will do the rest. We can identify if semen is present, make sure it’s viable for dna extraction and then do a final comparison to make sure the DNA belongs to the correct person.”

I’m going to go out on a limb and say this man was not loved enough as a child.

He adds, “There is just no legitimate reason or lie that a wife can come up with for having another man’s semen in her panties.” Well, that’s true.. but why stop with wives? Users can submit men’s underwear too, to be tested for semen or for incriminating juices.

Read the entire press release here.

The scariest part of this whole scheme is Infidelity DNA Testing’s suggestion that you use its semen detection service to find out if “your daughter is having sex.”

The test “costs a little less than $200 to get started,” and “the value you get from infidelity DNA testing outweighs the initial investment.” Unless you get divorced or ship your slutty teen to an all girls boarding school.. then it will cost you a @*!& ton.

If you’re as confused as I am, let’s get this straight.. in order for this to work.. the person has to have unprotected sex.. then leave the incriminating evidence (soiled undies) just laying around for you to find. Which, if he/she is making it THIS obvious, why fork over $200? Chances are there are other signs out there that indicate cheating, and if you are seriously considering stealing underwear from someone to have tested for another man’s semen, I’d say, in the understatement of the year, you’re relationship is in trouble.

What does Infedility DNA testing really offer you? Advice. If you are seriously considering working with them, you should break up.. for free.

And, if you are cheating, maybe you should start watching your panty drawer..

BONUS: They service Bryan.

..thanks and gig’em.

Would you EVER consider this? Let me know!

Happy semen hunting.
-Katy

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Locks of Love

Today’s BS study brought to you by Askmen.com!

So much for the idea that gentlemen prefer blondes. A new study by the University of Westminster in the UK and the Scandinavian Journal of Psychology indicates that while blondes may get more attention, men are more attracted to brunettes.

Researchers ran an experiment in which they dispatched a woman to three different nightclubs in London with her hair dyed three different colors: brunette, blond and red. With blond hair, she received the most attention with men hitting on her at a higher rate, but when 130 men were polled to determine which woman they preferred, the brunette was rated the highest for not only attractiveness but also intelligence. (Insert your blonde jokes here.)

Blondes are more capable of capturing the attention of the room, but the results indicate that guys gave a better rating to the girl-next-door type. Maybe we just don’t take blondes as seriously.

When it comes to settling down long term, do you think higher of brunettes and lesser of the perfect platinum blondes?

Wait a second, what happened to the redhead?! No one approached her at all?

And why are we sterotyping people’s personalities based on hair color?

Do you hit on girls based on some superficial ideal trait like a good dye job? Comment below!

AND JUST TRY AND TELL ME YOU DON’T WANT A PIECE OF THAT!

-Katy

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Girl Scout Season

Friday, Jan. 6 marks the start of the 2012 Girl Scout Cookie Program. A time innocent looking children who just happen to also be master manipulators will successfully sell over 200 million boxes of cookies to unsuspecting locals.. who end up spending their hard-earned income on devil cookies.

Being the 100th year, they’ve also created a new cookie: Savannah Smiles.

And @*!&^! if that lemon wedge coated in powdered sugar doesn’t look delicious.

In the spirit of the season, here’s four reasons why I hate the Girl Scouts.

Questionable Sales Tactics: They know they are adorable, and they try and utilize this cuteness to ensnare you and your wallet.. as soon as you leave a grocery store, you’re bombarded by cherub cheeked children screaming at you. Girl Scouts are like the homeless only with more strategy.. and generally better hygiene.

And what about the kids of the people you know? Like say, your boss? How do you say no to that? I always end up buying a bunch of boxes of Tagalongs that tend to tag-along on my @*& until the next cookie season.

They Can’t Break Your Twenty: Has anyone else noticed the Girl Scouts never have change? So if you really want that box of Caramel Delights.. you’re now going to have to buy $20 worth. Well played GS.

It doesn’t matter that you just saw them accept a handful of singles, these scouts are ruthless in this no change policy. And their parents will just shake their heads as if to indicate they are not responsible for the shameless hustlers their spawn have become. This no change scam has been going on for years.

They Set Up Shop in Unavoidable Locales: These monsters are everywhere. Your new years resolution ends tomorrow my friends. AND there’s now an app for this!

Pricing Scams: Save 50 cents when you buy a box outside city limits? I’ve paid $3.50 – $4 for Thin Mints depending on what part of Houston I am in. What is with the price gouging? Are the mini master manipulaters trying to rip-off naive city dwelling customers?

Just in case it’s not totally obvious, this blog is a joke. I do not condone hating children (openly). I am well aware that the Girl Scouts organization is a wonderful socialization group for little girls and promotes healthy development.

And yes, I will buy your @(*%*# cookies. Why? Because they are delicious and I am weak.

How do you feel about cookie time?
-Katy

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Blind Date

If any show should get a comeback in 2012, it should be this one. Remember “Blind Date,” that awkward ’90s dating show featuring mean and snarky pop-up commentary? Yeah, watch this little gem featuring regular Ken Scalir.

It’s like the best worst blind date ever reduced to just

Geeze, Ken just can’t catch a break. And can someone explain to me why is Sherry wearing a nightgown?

What old show would you want to see back on tv?

-Katy

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BABYONCE

After hours of tirelessly scouring the web, I have found your answer to quite possibly one of the biggest mysteries of our generation.

BABYONCE!

Okay, okay. YES. I have been the biggest skeptic over this whole pregnancy deal, but check that photo. Either she’s been eating nothing but Big Mac’s.. or she’s actually pregnant.

AND unless you plan on sleeping in front of St. Luke’s to be the first to get the news, let this site help keep you up-to-date on Bey and her pillow baby.

CLICK HERE.

Happy New Year!

-Katy

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Katy Dempsey

Monday-Friday: 10a-2p